Jokes, jokes and more jokes

### Babies Are Fast Learner
Baby: (1 month) Can speak MA-MA.
Baby (2 Months) Can speak PA-PA
Baby (3 Months) Can speak DE-DE
Baby (4 Months) Can Speak YA-YA
Baby (5 Months) Amazing! Marunong nang magsumbong...
MAMA, PAPA DEDE YAYA!

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### Presscon
Sa isang prescon sa Malacanang...
Cory: Erap, ano ang pinagkaiba ng potato sa mashed potato?
Erap: (Si Erap noon ay may wristband na puti sa kaliwang kamay)...
Eto (nakaturo sa kanang kamay)... PO-TE-TO, Eto (nakaturo sa kaliwang
kamay)...MAS POTETO....

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### Katulong

DONYA: bilang bagong katulong, tandaan mo na ang almusal dito ay
alasais empunto.
KATULONG: walang problema donya. kung tulog pa ako sa mga oras na
yun, mauna na kayong mag almusal.

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### SHORTEST FAIRY TALE EVER
Once upon a time..
A guy made love to a girl,
she got pregnant..
he asked the girl,
"will you marry me?"
she said "NO!"
and the guy lived happily ever after..

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### HINGAN NG MALALIM
MISS: Doc, pa-check-up po!
DOC: Sige Miss, hubad na ng panty at bra, tapos higa ka.
MISS: Naku hindi po ako doc ang pa-che-check-up, ito pong lola ko.
DOC: Sige lola, hinga na lang ng malalim!!!!

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### PROBLEMA NATIN
HUSBAND: May malaki akong problema.
WIFE: 'Wag mong sabihing problema mo, problema natin, dahil mag-asawa
tayo. O' ngayon, anong problema natin??
HUSBAND: Nabuntis natin si Inday at tayo ang ama!!!!

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### RAPE!RAPE!RAPE!
Isang pangit na babae ang hinoldap!!
HODAPER: Holdap ito!! Akina ang pera mo!
BABAE: Nagsisigaw... Rape! Rape! Rape!
HOLDAPER: Anong rape?? Hinoldap lang kita ah.
BABAE: Wala lang!! Nagsa-suggest lang!!!

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### English~Tagalog Dictionary

Define the following:

Contemplate
- kulang ang pinggan
Cattle
-d2 nakatila ang hali at leyna
Statue
-kaw ba yan???
Tablet
-maliit na lamesa
Artery
-study of Arts

Tandaan nyo baka lumabas sa quiz na ibbigay ni Sir...

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### kulot na buhok
Saang lugar parehong kulot ang buhok ng babae at lalake?

... Sa AFRICA... kala nyo ha? dumi talaga ng isip nyo!!!Ü

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### Nag pagupit

Nagpagupit si Pedro sa isang Barber Shop. Pag-upo, nagtanong agad ang
Barbero kung anong haircut ang gusto.

Pedro: Bawasan mo ng malalim sa bandang nuo, doon sa itaas hayaan mo
lang. Sa left side, putulan mo na parang hagdanan. Sa right side
naman, gawain mong bako-bako. Pag tapos na, sundutin mo ang tainga ko
para tumulo ng konting dugo.

Barbero: Boss, bakit naman gustong niyong pangit ang gupit. Walang
Barbero dito sa buong bayan na mag gupit tulad ng sinabi mo.

Pedro: Bakit, nakalimutan mo na ba, ganitong-ganito ang haircut na
ginawa mo sa akin nuong isang buwan!

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### Pancakes!!!

Dinala ng mag-asawang zeny at gerry ang kanilang anim na taong anak
na lalaki sa duktor dahil concerned sila kung bakit maiit ang ari
nito.

Matapos ma-examine ng duktor ang bata ay sinabi niya sa mag-asawa na
madali lang malunasan ang pagiging maliit ang ari ng kanilang anak.

"PAKANIN LANG DAW NG MARAMING PANCAKES"!!!

Kinaumagahan, sa harap almusalan, isang tambak na pancakes ang
nakahain.

Gee, mom, sabi ng anak, "Akin ba lahat ito?"

Sagot ng mommy niya: "KUMUHA KA LANG NG DALAWA AT LAHAT NG MATITIRA
AY PARA SA DADDY MO"!!!!!!

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### Praying for 10 Pesos

Sa loob ng simbahan ng Quiapo, isang batang pulubi ang mataimtim na
nanalangin sa Diyos.

Pulubi: "Panginoon kung maaari po sana ay bigyan ninyo ako ng sampung
piso dahil gutom na gutom na lang po ako."

Narinig sya ng isang pulis na kasalukuyan ding nagsisimba at bumilib
sya sa katatagan ng bata sa pananampalataya sa Diyos. Sa kanyang
habag ay dumukot sya ng limang piso at iniabot sa bata na ang sabi:
"Amang, narinig ng Diyos ang panalangin mo at heto tanggapin mo ang
perang ito at ibili mo ng pagkain".

Tumingala ang bata sa pulis, kinuha nya ang limang pisong iniabot at
muling yumuko para manalangin: "Panginoon, salamat po sa pagdinig
ninyo sa aking panalangin, pero sana naman po sa uli-uli wag na
ninyong pararaanin pa sa pulis, kasi malaki na ang bawas".

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### Confessions of a Kid

Little Bobby came into the kitchen where his mother was making
dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good
time to tell his mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my
birthday." Little Bobby was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten
into trouble at school and at home. Bobby's mother asked him if he
thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Bobby, of
course, thought he did.

Bobby's mother wanted Bobby to reflect on his behavior over the last
year.

"Go to your room, Bobby, and think about how you have behaved this
year.

Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for
your birthday." Little Bobby stomped up the steps to his room and sat
down to write God a letter.

*** Letter 1

Dear God,

I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my
birthday. I want a red one.

Your friend,

Bobby

Bobby knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy
this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.

*** Letter 2

Dear God,

This is your friend Bobby. I have been a good boy this year and I
would like a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you.

Your friend Bobby

Bobby knew that this wasn't true either. So, he tore up the letter
and started again.

*** Letter 3

Dear God,

I have been an "OK" boy this year. I still would really like a bike
for my birthday.

Bobby

Bobby knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Bobby
wrote a fourth letter.

*** Letter 4

God,

I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will
be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday. Please!

Thank you,

Bobby

Bobby knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him
a bike.

Now, Bobby was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mom that
he wanted to go to church. Bobby's mother thought her plan had
worked, as Bobby looked very sad.

"Just be home in time for dinner," Bobby's mother told him.

Bobby walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little
Bobby went into the church and up to the altar. He looked around to
see if anyone was there. Bobby bent down and picked up a statue of
the Mary. He slipped the statue under his shirt and ran out of the
church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room. He shut
the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.
Bobby began to write his letter to God.

*** Letter 5

God,

I'VE KIDNAPPED YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE
BIKE!!!!!!!!!!

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### VOCABULARY LESSONS:
TEACHER: What is an ANECDOTE?
STUDENT: Mam, anecdote is a short tale.
TEACHER: Very Good. Please use it in a sentence.
STUDENT: The small dog is wagging his "anecdote".

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### DEATHBED!!
old chinese dude on his deathbed.....

TSEKWA:akyin asawa andyan ba??
ASAWA:oo andito ako!
TSEKWA:akyin daughter andyan ba??
DAUGHTER:andito po ako papang!
TSEKWA:akyin junior andyan ba??
JUNIOR:andi2 po ako papang!
TSEKWA:yung dalawa maid andyan din ba??
MAIDS:andeto po kami koya!
TSEKWA:TAENA...ANDI2 KAYO LAHAT WALA BANTAY TINDAHAN!!!!!

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### BALIW!!!
Sa isang mental hospital...
PEPE:doc gusto ko ng lumabas...

DOC:cge nga tingnan natin kung magaling ka na, anong gagawin mo
paglabas mo di2 sa ospital?
PEPE: titiradurin ko yung buwan....!!!
DOC:di ka pa magaling pepe, di ka pa pwedeng lumabas ng ospital.

after a few months....

PEPE:doc,magaling na po ako..pwede na ko lumabas di2!
DOC: tlga? cge nga subukan nga natin...ano ang gagawin mo paglabas mo
di2 sa ospital?
PEPE:syempre unang una..maghahanap ako ng matitirahan tapos hahanapin
ko pamilya ko tapos maghahanp ako ng trabaho pra makapag-bagong buhay
heheh!!
DOC: aba magaling ka na nga.. tama yang mga balak mo pepe pinabilib
mo naman ako...e pag ngawa mo na lahat ng yon,ano na ang susunod mong
gagawin?
PEPE:syempre doc...TITIRADURIN KO NA YUNG BUWAN!!!
DOC:waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!

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### What's your name?
Teacher(sir): BOy! whats your name?
Student: Lucky T. Tinio Sir!

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### Party Disaster

After the annual office Chistmas party blow-out, Kulas woke up with a
pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the
events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom he was
able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in
front of him.

"Petra," he moaned, "Tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad
as I think?"

"Even worse," she assured him, voice dripping with scorn. "You made a
complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire senior
management and insulted the Regional Director General to his face."

"He's an a**hole. I should have pissed on him."

"You did," Petra informed him. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him!" yelled Kulas.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday."

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### FRATERNITY
FRAT LIDER: balita ko GAY ka daw, 220 b?

MEMBER: Gus2 ko talagang linawin yan, ndi ako GAY! Mga chizmax lang
yan galing sa mga chuvanunez na walang ma do sa mga chenilyn nila!

..mga CHAKA EVER!

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### confession
nagpunta si cedric kay Father ken..
cedric: father, mangungumpisal po ako...
father ken: o cge, sa ngalan ng Ama, ng Anak at ng Espiritu
Santo...ano ang iyongmga kasalanan..
Cedric: father, mabigat po..
father: bakit?
cedric: kasi po father, nagnakaw po ako ng tali..
father:hindi naman ganun kabigat ha..
cedric: kasi po father, sa dulo po ng tali, eh may tatlong kalabaw...

father:ngeeee!!!!!!!!!

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### Businessman
May batang Businessman ang nagtayo ng kanyang Company. Nag renta siya
ng Office sa isang malaking Building sa Makati.

Isang umaga, may nakita siyang lalaking Customer na papasok sa
office. Para makita ng Customer na busy ang Company, kinuha agad ang
telephone at nag kunwari na may malaking 'deal' na nagaganap.
Makalipas ang ilang minuto, ibinaba na rin ang phone.

Businessman: Good morning Sir. Can I help you?

Lalaki: Nandito po ako para mag-activate ng phone lines ng office
niyo!

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### ngongo perfume
Si ngongo sa isang perfumery store......

NGONGO: ale, mango!
ALE: pabango yan! hindi alimango!!
NGONGO: ale,mango!!
Nag-agawan sila at nabasag yung pabango....
NGONGO: ale,masag!!

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### prayerful student
*estudyante nahuling may kodigo*

prof: ano 'to!?
estudyante: prayer ko po yan ma'am!
prof: at bakit answers ang nakasulat?!
estudyante: naku! sinagot na yung prayers ko!

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### Catholic and single
nun riding a taxi

TAXI DRIVER: I'd like 2 ask a favor, if i may sister.....i've
fantasized kissing a nun........
NUN: ok...but 1st you have to be Catholic and 2nd you have to be
single!
TAXI DRIVER: I am both catholic and single...

so the nun fulfills the drivers fantasy and kisses him...

TAXI DRIVER: thank you sister..but i must confess..I lied to you..I
am married and am a Muslim..
NUN: thats okay....Im on my way to a costume party and my real name
is BERTING!!!

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### Maliit na bagay lang
Sister (approaching Father)

Sister: Father, Father ang mga seminarista mo laging umiihi doon sa
bakod namin. Ang panghi-panghi tuloy!
Father: Sister naman! Maliit na bagay lang naman yon sa mga
seminarista.
Sister: Hindi Father! Malalakiiii!!

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### Romantic Evening

kagabi nakahiga ako sa kama..........

nakatingin sa langit............

binilang ko ang mga bituin.............

maya-maya.........napaisip ako.........


san kaya napunta bubong namin!?

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### GROG or CG?
My LOLO went to a bar...he was asked

MANAGER: sir, ano po gusto niyo!? GROG o CG?!
LOLO: alam ko yung GROG ...pero anong CG?! yan ba yung Call Girl!?
MANAGER: hindi sir........ Care Giver!

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### Condom: a new national symbol

The Goverment today announced that it has chosen the condom as the
national emblem. Reason?? The condom allows for inflation, halts
production, destroys the next generation and gives you a sense of
security while actually you're being screwed!!!

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### WALANG KATULAD SI MRS

MR: Ayaw ko na sa'yo. Hiwalay na tayo!!
MRS: Bahala ka. Akala mo makakahanap ka pa ng katulad ko?
MR: At ang akala mo ba maghahanap pa ako ng katulad mo? Pahinog
ka!!!!

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### ANG ILONG!!! (BOW)

TUKMOL: Kung matalino ka talaga, bakit dalawa ang buyas ng ilong
natin??
KUPS: yun lang, hindi mo alam?? Siempre, para makahinga habang
nililinis natin yung isa!!!

### JUST ONE MORE TIME

WIFE: Palayasin mo na yang hayop na driver natin na yan!!! Limang
beses na nyang akong muntik ng masagasaan!!!
MISTER: 'Wag muna , honey. Kawawa naman. BIGYAN PA NATIN NG ISANG
PAGKAKATAON!!!!

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### Ant life

As i watched the ants crawl upon d

wall, i noticed that no matter how

busy they are, they still stop and communicate

i hop....we could be like d ants....

nakakalakad

sa

walls!!

niyahahahaha!

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### walang assignment
Jun-jun: Inay! Ako lang ang nakasagot sa tanong ng titser namin
kanina!
Inay: Very good! Ano ba ang tanong n titser ninyo?
Jun-jun: Sino ang walang assignment?

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### hugis ng mundo
Titser: Ano ang hugis ng mundo?
Juan: Kuwadrado po, maam!
Titser: Hindi! Ang mundo ay bilog.
Juan: Pero maam, sabi ng lolo ko, narating na niya ang APAT na sulok
ng mundo. May sulok po ba ang bilog?

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### calendar method
Thelma: Sabi mo, dok, safe ang calendar method. Bakit ako nabuntis?
Dok: Paano nyo ba ginamit ang kalendaryo?
Thelma: Ginawa naming banig.

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### hi jack
Nagkita sa airport ang dalawang kolokoy...
Gorio: O, pare, anong nangyari sa ‘yo? Bakit ginulpi ka sa loob
ng eroplano?
Kulas: Ewan ko nga. Binati ko lang naman ang natanaw kong kaibigan
ng, HI… JACK!!!

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### may bonding
Atorni: Gaano ka katagal ni-rape ng nasa-sakdal?
Virginia: Mga limang oras po!
Atorni: Limang oras ka ginahasa?!
Virginia: Kasama na po ‘yung foreplay, pagkatapos, nagyosi pa
kami para may bonding.

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### Are you free tonite?
Boss asks sexy secretary to a dinner after overtime: Are you free
tonight?
The sexy secretary replies: Sir, ha... Huwag naman FREE... Bibigyan
na lang kita ng discount!

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### bumbayin
Girl: Maganda ba ko?
Boy: Oo, kaya lang, Bumbayin ka...
Girl: Hindi naman ako mukhang Bumbay, ah?! Tisay yata to!
Boy: Oo nga, pero 'yung amoy mo, Bumbayin!

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### si kuya
Gumimik sa mall ang tatlong binatilyo...
Jepoy: Shit! Ang cute nung girl!
Kevin: Sexy pa! Grabe!
Nathan: Sino? Yung naka-mini skirt? Kilala ko siya! Tatawagin ko,
ha... Kuyaaahhh!!!

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### mayonnaise
Joanna: May joke ako sa‘yo tungkol sa mayonnaise.
Vangie: Ano?
Joanna: Ayoko! Baka i-spread mo, eh!

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### inggitera
T: May sampung inggitera. Nagpakamatay ang isa. Ilan ang natira?
S: Wala! Kasi, nainggit ang iba, gumaya tuloy!

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### lawsuit
Eliseo: Sobra na talaga ang katangahan ng kumare mo. Ang akala niya,
ang LAWSUIT ay uniporme ng pulis!
Joshue: Sus! Tanga nga! Eh di ba, uniporme ng abugado yun?!

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### deal or no deal
Tatanggalin ang 26 girls sa Deal Or No Deal.
Macho Men na ang ipapalit na nakasuot ng brief na may number.
Kaya ang sasabihin na ni Kris, "Gentlemen, open your brief case!"

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### corrected by
Minsan, sa dami ng mga bagay sa paligid, hindi mo na alam kung ano
ang tama at mali.
Pero huwag kang padadala sa mga ito.
Basta tama, i-check mo!
Pag mali, wrong mo! Tapos, lagyan mo ng CORRECTED BY:

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### uri ng palautot
Apat na Uri ng Palautot...
MAPAGKUNWARI: Uutot nang tahimik at aastang inosente.
MAHIYAIN: Uutot nang mahina at ngingiti.
MAYABANG: Uutot nang malakas at tatawa nang malakas habang
nagyayabang.
MALAS: Susubukang umutot pero tae ang lalabas.

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### RAdio request
Sa 1 Radio Stn. may 1 la2ki ang nagre2quest ng song:
DJ : Kanino mo i de-dedicate ang song?
LA2KI: S Biyenan ko po!
DJ: Wow! Bihira ang ganyang nag rerequest pra s kanyang biyenan, e
ano namang kanta ang gusto mong irequest?
LA2KI: Devil Woman

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### kumpisal
nangumpisal si tokmol sa pari sa kasalanan na nagawa nya
tokmol: father ano ang gagawin ko makasalanan ang kamay ko
pari: bakit ano ba nagawa ng kamay mo at naging makasalanan yan?
tokmol: nakahawak po father ng ari ng dalaga
pari: ganun ba, ganito gawin mo tatlong araw kang mag sisimba at
hugasan mo ng holy water yang kamay mo bago ka pumasok.
ganun nga ang ginawa ni tokmol pagkalipas ng isang linggo nagulat ang
pari sapagkat nakita nya si tokmol na minumumug ang holy water...

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### gas
Jose: Pesteng buhay to! Merong kaldero, walang biGAS! Merong lampara,
walang GAS! Merong gripo, walang taGAS! Dinagdagan pa ng asawang
walang huGAS! Pa’no pa ako titiGAS?

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### Magpakonsulta
Mister: I dont know whats wrong with me. I eat like a bird, work like
a horse and Im tired as a dog.
Misis: Masama yan. Bakit hindi ka magpakonsulta sa beterinaryo?

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### Matanda Na
Host: Ano po ang maipaglilingkod ko sa inyo?
Tanda: Pwede ho bang manawagan?
Host: Ilang taon na po kayo?
Tanda: 98 y/o na po ako.
Host: Wow! Ang tanda nyo na pala! O, sige po... manawagan na kayo.
Tanda: Itay, umuwi na kayo! Hindi na nagagalit si Lolo sa inyo!

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### Lasang Sabon
Kustomer: Ang linis talaga ng restaurant ninyo!
Waiter: Salamat po. Paano ninyo nahalata?
Kustomer: Kasi, lahat ng pagkain n’yo, lasang-sabon!

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### Saan Tayo?
GF: Saan tayo?
BF: Punta tayo roon... sa madilim!
GF: Ha?
BF: Trust me!
GF: Ok.
Pagdating sa madilim...
GF: Bakit ka naghubo?
BF: Huwag kang maingay!
GF: Maghuhubo rin ako!
BF: Bakit? Tatae ka rin ba?

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### Bill Gates
Bill Gates dated his ex-wife and then proceeded on to have sex. After
making love for an hour Bill Gates asked her ex-wife. "How does it
fell to be making love with the richest man in the world?"
The ex-wife replied: "Oh...No wonder they call your company
MICROSOFT!"

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### Sinungaling Daw!
Namatay ang isang mister na babaero. Sa requiem mass, sinabi ng pari
patungkol sa namatay, "An honest man, a good man, a family man" et
cetera. Binulungan ng biyuda ang panganay na anak, "Pakisilip nga ang
kabaong kung ang daddy mo nga ang nasa loob!" (Rey K)

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### Magkano ang Sex
Pinoy asked hooker: How much?
She said:
$50 on bed,
$20 on sofa,
$10 on grass.
He gave her $50. She said, Ur a man of class, 1 time on bed?
Pinoy: No! 5X on GRASS.

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### Pinakabagong salawikain ng pilipino

*Kapag maiksi ang kumot.. mura lang.

*Ang taong naglalakad nang mabagal, tumatakas

*Kapag may usok, may mamamatay na lamok.

*Walang matiyagang lalake.. na manligaw sa mukhang binabae.

*Kung walang magpapaloko... hindi tatakbo si gloria arroyo.

*Behind the clouds, are airplanes.

*Ang sakit ng kalingkingan, dapat ipatingin sa doktor.

*Pag may usok... bka nsa langit kana!

*Magkulang ka na sa magulang... huwag lang magkulang sa tubig habang

naghihilamos.

*Kapag bukas ang kaban, nakalimutang takpan.

*Kapag ang ilog ay tahimik, walang nagsi-swimming.

*When all else fails... buti nga bhelat!

*Sa larangan ng digmaan.. nakikilala kung sino ang bading.

*An apple a day... makes the fruit vendor rich.

*Pag may usok, mas maganda ang show dahil may special effects.

*Batu-bato sa langit, ang tamaan sana mga kagalit

*Ang taong naglalakad nang mabagal... may paltos.

*Papunta ka pa lang, ako rin, sabay na tayo!

*Ang taong naglalakad nang mabagal, nasa moon.

*Ako ang nagtanim, ang nagbayo at nagsaing,

saka nang maluto'y iba ang kumain.. bwisit na pusa yan. amf!

*Huwag magbilang ng manok, kung duling.

*Better late.. than never txting!

*Kapag maiksi ang kumot... sa baby ipagamit.

*Kapag ang puno mabunga... maraming mapipitas.

*Magkulang ka na sa magulang... huwag lang sa pagiisip!

*Ang taong naglalakad nang mabagal, may rayuma!

*Ang iyong kakainin, sa kaldero manggagaling.

*Tell me who your friends are... and ill tell you who is cute!=)

*Ang taong naglalakad nang mabagal.. matanda na.

*Ang iyong kakainin, itatae mo rin.

*Magbiro kana sa lasing.. wag lng s matsing, dka mage2ts non!

*Ang taong naglalakad nang mabagal, nagtetext.

*Ang taong ngigipit.. lahat ng pwedeng utangan kinukulit.

*Kapag ang puno mabunga.. maraming mamimitas.

*Pag may usok.. kawawa ang may hika!

*Ang taong naglalakad nang mabagal.. bagong tuli.

*Ang taong naglalakad ng matulin... magling sa walkathon.

*Ang taong hindi marunong lumingon sa kanyang pinanggalingan... adik
sa
text.

*Laging nasa huli, ang pinakamatangkad.

### MaNnY PaCquAiO (FaVoRiTe NuMbErS NyA)
"i LoVe SeX, BiNtI, SiTti, TrEeS, EaT"

### cardinal sin
"ako lang ang banal na makasalanan"

### toilet bowl
"ang daming kinikilig sa akin"

### english
"bagsak sakin si manny pacquiao! hindi nya ko kaya! hahahaha!

### drums
"ang sasama nyo wala naman akong ginagawang msama sa inyo ah! ang
sakit sakit ng mga palo nyo! tapos nag-iindakan pa kayo sa tuwa!"

### model
"nakunan ako!"

### bayarin
"hindi lahat ng nagmumura masama"

### coffee coin machine
"ipasok mo na sa akin yan, paiinitin kita at matitikman mo ang sarap
na hahanaphanapin mo"

### ahas
"sa pamilya ko, kahit na ano ang mangyari, igagapang ko kayo... sa
mga kaaway ko naman, gustuhin ko man kayong suntukin at tadyakan,
hindi pupwede... kakagatin ko nalang kayo"

### Bad Breath
"Ang tagal nating nagsama! Hindi naghiwalay! Natuto ka lang
mag-mouthwash kaya ako'y iyong pinalayas!"

*Family feud *
*ballpen *
*Tayutay *
*Tatak Pinoy *
*It's Christmas *
*Parking place *
*Dying or dead?*
*Veterinary *
*Laptop *
*enrich your VOCABULARY*

*Family feud *
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how
many kinds of boobies are there?

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of
breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round
and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice
but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how
many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes
through three phases. In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree,
mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible
but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."

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*ballpen *
Two nurses on duty...

Nurse 1: Hoy! Gaga, bakit may thermometer sa tenga mo!
Nurse 2 (shocked): Ha? susmaryosep! kaninong pwet ko kaya naiwan yung
ballpen ko!!

*Tayutay *
Guro: Juan magbigay ka ng pangungusap na may tayutay...
Juan: Ehem.. Ang tatay ay nadapa... Tayu tay!!! Tayu tay!!!

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*Tatak Pinoy *
Tag lines ng mga pinoy:
1) The more, the manier!
2)What are friends are for!
3) Been ther, been that!
4) Come, let's join us!
5) The sky's the langit!
6) Don't touch me not!
6) Are you sure ka na ba?
7) What's your next class before the last?
8) Well, well, well, look do we have here!
9) I always go there sometimes!
10) Give him the benefit of the daw!
11) It's a blessing in the sky!.....O ano? kaloka di ba!? well, it's
not my problem anymore, it's your problem anymore!!!

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*It's Christmas *
Future is a mystery worth waiting for. Past is history worth
learning from.
Present is what I’m expecting from you this Christmas.

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*Parking place *
Jake was driving down the street in a sweat bcuz he had an important
meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up toward heaven,
he said: " Lord pity on me if u find me a parking place i will go to
mass every sunday, stop smoking and give up beers." Miraculously, a
parking place appeared. Jake looked up again and said: "Never mind
Lord, I found one."

*Dying or dead?*
Isang Pinoy galing sa pinas ang nasa LAX customs inspection. Medyo
kabado kasi may dalang daing (dried fish) sa loob ng maleta..
INSPECTOR: What are these stuff in your suitcase???
PINOY: Daing, sir!
INSPECTOR: (Looking closely) No, they are not.
PINOY: It's true sir. They are daing.
INSPECTOR: They are not dy-ing. These fish are already dead.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

*Veterinary *
VET: Sori po patay na aso niyo, pinaliguan kasi ng anak niyo na
gamit laundry soap.
MOTHER: E ano naman ang masama sa sabong panlaba?
VET: Di siya sa sabon namatay kundi sa washing machine.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

*Laptop *
SEC. ZAMORA: Sir, puwede bang palitan 'tong laptop ko?
ERAP: Bakit?
SEC. ZAMORA: Masyadong mabigat, eh!
ERAP: Ba't di ka mag-delete ng files, para gumaan?

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*enrich your VOCABULARY*
1.aspect- pantusok ng yelo
2.CD ROM: tignan ang kuwarto
3.city: numero bago mag otso
4.devalue- susunod sa letter V
5.dillema- brownout ba?

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

*HAVING A WIFE *
*A riddle for you *
*Meow *
*Dalawang Beses *
*check up *
*Almost every night *
*Excuses*
*Star Margarine*
*Sigaw *
*Nalasing ang magkumare*

*HAVING A WIFE *
ADVANTAGE: Pag kailangan mo, nandiyan agad!!
DISADVANTAGE: Pag ayaw mo na, NANDIYAN PA RIN!!!!

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*A riddle for you *
Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.

Michael J. Fox has a small one.

Madonna doesn't have one.

The Pope has one but doesn't use it.

Clinton uses his all the time.

Bush is one.

Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.

Liberace never used his on women.

Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.

Cher claims that she took on 3.

We never saw Lucy use Desi's.

What is it?

The answer is: "A Last Name." (What were you thinking, anyway!)

*Meow *
Nag-usap-usap sa isang psychiatric ward ang isang sadista, isang
masokista, isang murderer, isang necrophile, isang zoophile at isang
pyromaniac…

SADISTA: Nabo-bore ako. Bakit hindi natin i-torture ‘yung pusa?


ZOOPHILE: Oo nga! I-torture natin, tapos, gahasain!

MURDERER: Okey! Ito-torture natin, gagahasain at papatayin!

NECROPHILE: Ito-torture natin, gagahasain, papatayin at gagahasain
uli!

PYROMANIAC: Tama! Tapos, susunugin natin ‘yung pusa!

Natahimik ang grupo. Tinanong ng sadista, zoophile, murderer,
necrophile at pyromaniac ang masokista kung bakit hindi siya
nagsasalita…

MASOKISTA: Meow!

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*Dalawang Beses *
Girlfriend: Hu! Hu! Hu! Hu! Bakit natin ginawa ‘to? Hindi na
ako virgin! Dalawang beses pa nating ginawa! Hu! Hu! Hu!

Boyfriend: Aba! Isa lang, ah?!

Girlfriend: Hindi na ba natin uulitin mamaya?

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*check up *
Girl: Doc, pa check up po.
Doc: Sige hubad ka ng panty at bra, tapos higa ka.
Girl: Hindi po ako, itong lola ko po.
Doc: Sige lola, hinga na lang ng malalim...

*Almost every night *
I asked my 90-year-old friend if he still makes love with his wife.
He answered: "Oh yes, almost every night." He paused, then continued,
"almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday..."

*Excuses*
DENTIST: We have to stop seeing each other. Halata na tayo ng mister
mo.
GIRL: But we love each other!
DENTIST: Oo nga, but we're running out of excuses...
IISA NA LANG NGIPIN MO!!!!

*Star Margarine*
Tanong: Ano ang tawag sa Star Margarine na expired?

Sagot: Bituing Walang Ningning.

*Sigaw *
Sigaw ni Lambino: CHARTER CHANGE!

Sigaw ni Bading: SEX CHANGE!

Sigaw ni Congressman: KEEP THE CHANGE!

Sigaw ni Juan de la Cruz: NOTHING WILL CHANGE!

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*Nalasing ang magkumare*
Nalasing sa bar ang magkumare. Pag-uwi, dumaan sila sa sementeryo at
umihi.

Ginamit ni mare #1 na pampunas ang kanyang panty, na itinapon niya
kapagkuwan.

Nakakita si mare #2 ng bulaklak sa nitso at iyon ang ipinampunas
niya.

Kinabukasan, nagkita ang mga mister ng magkumare.

Sabi ni pare #1, "Bantayan natin ang mga misis natin. Kagabi, umuwi
ang asawa ko na walang panty!"

Sabi naman ni pare #2, "Mas grabe ang asawa ko, pare! May card na
nakadikit sa puwet niya at ang sabi… WE’LL NEVER FORGET
YOU… FROM ALL THE GUYS AT THE FIRE DEPARTMENT!"

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*Ticket please....*
*PAYABANGAN*
*Expired*
*Lamok Naging Alitaptap*
*Job Interview*
*NAKUUU PUU!! *
*Dark Place *
*A Teacher's Letter*
*HAVING A WIFE *
*bata!!! *

*Ticket please....*
immigrant: gusto ko nang umuwi sa Pinas pero wala akong pambayad
para sa ticket.
kaibigan: padala ako ng box den you fit yourself there.

THE PLAN WORKED......

immigrant: nasaan na ako?
FedEx: your in the garbage... you stink... your in the box for more
than a month. n you didn't take a bath men.!.!.

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*PAYABANGAN*
JUAN: kagabi pare, naka 6 times ako kay misis!
PEDRO: ako naman, naka 8 times kagabi kay misis!
EDMONYO2000: Ako, isa lang, kasi sabi ni misis ko, DON'T STOP!!!

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*Expired*
News!

A 90 yr old man starts making luv to
his 85 yr old wife.
He started sucking d breast, and
after 10 secs, he died.

Autopsy report:
cause of death,
EXPIRED MILK!

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*Lamok Naging Alitaptap*
Anak: Tay, Maraming Lamok Dito, Patayin mo yung ilaw

(Pinatay Ang Ilaw)

Anak: Halaka Tay, Nagdala sila nang flashlight

*Job Interview*
MANAGER: Ano ang alam mo?
APPLICANT: Alam ko po kung saan kayo nakatira ng misis nyo at alam ko
rin kung saan nakatira ang kabit nyo!!
MANAGER: OK, tanggap ka na!!!!

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*NAKUUU PUU!! *
PEDRO: Sobrang taba na ng misis ko kaya gusto nyang magbawas ng
timbang eh. Kaya nag-horseback riding siya.....
JUAN : Anong naging resulta??
PEDRO: Nabawasan ng 10 kilos yung kabayo!!!!

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*Dark Place *
GF: san tau?
BF: s dark place.
GF: ha?
BF: trust me.
GF: ok!
Pagdating dun...,
GF: bkit k naghuhubad?
BF: wag kang maingay...,
GF: maghuhubad dn b ako?
BF: bkit? Tatae ka rin ba?

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*A Teacher's Letter*
Teacher's Letter To Pupil's Mother:

Dear Parent:

Your son is a bright boy but spends much time thinking about girls.

Miss Palapay

(Pupil Mother's Reply to Teacher)

Dear Miss Palapay:

If you find a solution, please advise. I have the same problem with
his dad!!

Mrs. Santos

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*HAVING A WIFE *
ADVANTAGE: Pag kailangan mo, nandiyan agad!!
DISADVANTAGE: Pag ayaw mo na, NANDIYAN PA RIN!!!!

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*bata!!! *

Q: ano tawag sa bata na mahilig sa regalo?
A: E di!!! GIFTED CHILD.hehehehehe
Q: ano naman tawag sa BATA mahilig sa superheroes?
A: edi!!! BATaman